Funnily enough, there are actually no girls on this list. I’m not on Touma’s level yet.

So, you know that feeling when you want to punch a fictional character in the face? I have no idea why, but I have been getting this feeling more and more often lately. Maybe I have latent anger management issues. Nah, I simply suspect that more anime characters have been acting like twats than is usual for a season.

It’s not even that I dislike the shows these characters are in, otherwise I wouldn’t be watching them. Maybe I just want to beat the shit out of these characters in a friendly way. Who knows. I don’t know if that thought makes any sense at all. Still, one thing or another, something about these guys is just begging to get their asses handed to them even though they’re meant to be people the audience should cheer for. Yeah, I’m probably just an asshole.

Anyway, enough preamble. Onto the list.

5. Tsukishima Jinbei (Mushibugyou)

I decided to get the Mushibugyou character out of the way first because who the hell is watching this series anyway? Good thing you’re not watching it because otherwise you would be exposed to the fetid piece of turd trash that is Jinbei.

You may be actually watching this series and you may claim that “hey, this guy is a shonen protagonist, why are you mad about him being a moron?” Okay, first of all, don’t assume that I don’t like stupid, carefree shonen protags. In fact, I do like them when the emphasis is on their kindness and resourcefulness. Jinbei is neither of these things. He has literally no brain cells. A fucking toddler has more common sense and is more generally useful to society than him.

You know who this kid reminds me of? The dweeby little seventh grader kid who keeps tailing the big kids thinking that they actually like him and think of him as one of the cool kids too. Um, news flash, mah boy. You are not a cool kid. Stop wearing your shorts up to your ribs.

Basically, Jinbei is the kind of kid you can’t bring yourself to be mean to, but you go out of your way to not tell him when you’re having a party and conveniently pretend you just forgot when he asks you why he wasn’t invited.

4. Kousaka Kyousuke (OreImo)

Believe it or not, I used to like Kyousuke’s character. In fact, I still have a measure of fondness for him even now. He was a cool brother who put up with Kirino’s shit with a level of patience that can only be described as angelic.

Now, of course, it’s clear that this guy is just a doormat. He has lost all of his snark and presence and exists now only to suck off on his little sister’s vagina. It’s not even the fact that he’s in love with his aforementioned little sister that makes me look down on his existence. No, he’s just turned into a snivelling, pathetic loser, that’s all.

I’m mentally trying to trace out his character arc in my mind. So what I’m getting is that in the beginning of the series, Kyousuke felt distant from his sister and put up a barrier of indifference despite vaguely feeling like he was not a good brother. After discovering that she’s into 2D porn, he decides to accept her for who she is, even though he’s not into 2D girls himself. Okay, I’m with him so far. Then, because his sister makes him play so much little sister porn so they can have something to talk about, he slowly gets addicted to little sister porn, sexually harasses Kirino’s best friend, dates Kuroneko for, like, a day, and falls in love with his little sister because he can no longer distinguish between fantasy and reality. Welp, that’s character development for you.

You used to cool, Kyousuke, but now you are just a faggot. Whatever. Next.

3. Aijima Cecil (Uta no Prince-sama)

I can’t take pretty boys seriously, but this Cecil guy is just the most ridiculous of them all. I’ve complained about him before, but I still can’t get over how much of a dweeb he is. I don’t know if he’s a stealth troll or what. Whenever he opens his mouth, he says something completely stupid and retarded. His needs and desires make absolutely no sense to me. And yet he is sold to the audience as an Extremely Desirable Guy. Sometimes, I just don’t understand girls and their tastes.

It’s not even that this guy is a dick in the usual Shojo Guy way. He’s not arrogant, nor do I get the strong suspicion that he will one day become a wife basher. No, Cecil is like an obnoxious grade school boy in the body of a grown-up pretty boy. The result is so incredibly jarring that my face is permanently on my desk whenever this guy gets any screen time at all.

The funniest part is how everyone else in the series absolutely adores him, even the people who he trolls. I think Cecil is probably the kind of troll every troll would want to be. I mean, this guy can go and cockblock everybody and say the darnedest things and everyone still loves him and wants to sing a happy song with him. There are literally no consequences to his actions. When he has to go and everyone is angsting deeply about him leaving, it turns out all he needed to do was sign a bit of paper and fly back on a parachute in order to fix everyone’s heartbreaking problems. This all happened off-screen, by the way.

I think if just one other person in this series thought Cecil was an asshole, I could accept his character happily. As it is, I have this overwhelming desire to take a shit on his face and I fear that it will not go away anytime soon.

2. Nai (Karneval)

No, you’re not cute, and nobody likes you.

This is actually awkward of me to say this, since up until I encountered Nai, I had not seen a single character voiced by Shimono Hiro who wasn’t awesome in my eyes. But either Shimono was just tragically miscast or Nai is just a piece of shit beyond redemption, because I don’t like him and I don’t think his voice suits him.

The problem with Nai is that he, like Jinbei from this list, is completely retarded. Nai is, however, even more useless because, unlike Jinbei, he can’t fight for shit. He’s pretty much the damsel in distress character except he is written for shotacons.

Maybe, maybe I could forgive him if he were actually cute, but his red eyes creep me the fuck out and I know he’s actually some weird cat thing, so it’s like bestiality and homosexuality at the same time. And what’s worse is that he has no personality beyond being clueless about tying his shoelaces. That’s not being cute, that’s called being a dumb cunt. I don’t know why Gareki hangs around him when he clearly looks like he has better things to do, but whatever. He’s clearly the M to Gareki’s S.

Well, that’s that. Now for the number one character who I want to punch in the face, the one we’ve all been waiting for…

1. Eren Jaeger (Shingeki no Kyojin)

This faggot.

I’m guessing this is probably a fairly controversial choice because Shingeki no Kyojin is so popular and all, but hey, I can’t help but feel what I feel. And in my eyes, Eren is a complete nutjob. I actually think that if he existed in real life, he would be put in a psychiatric ward for his anger management issues. No, don’t give me that sob story about it all being because of the titans. This kid was clearly a mental case long before the titans came onto the scene.

Eren just gets mad over everything. He (and also the series writer) thinks he’s being GAR by being a dick to everyone and saying dick things to motivate them all to fight. But a dick is a dick is a dick. Most of the time, I’m just wishing this guy would just shut the fuck up. This has almost nothing to do with him having Kaji Yuki as a voice actor, by the way. I think I would find Eren hard to take under any circumstance, though his screaming is still grating.

And you know what? Okay, spoilers for the recent anime here: I actually liked Eren better when he was a titan. At least he didn’t express his anger through so many words and plus it looked cooler too. I hate to say this, but Eren is a more pleasant, agreeable person as a giant, man-eating monster than he is as a human being.

When you think about it that way, it’s pretty sad. Dude needs to take a chill pill and maybe some yoga lessons.

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Aaaaaaaaand that’s it for my list. Normally, I don’t like to write bashing posts, so I should emphasise that I do indeed like the series I chose to write about here. I reckon if I could just punch these guys in the face once, I could get it out of my system, become their bros and move on in life. And since they do not exist, I have to resort to writing this post. Fair enough, right?

So, readers, do you agree/disagree with my list? Any anime characters who you want to punch in the face? They don’t have to be from this season, by the way. Or perhaps you would like to punch me in the face. That’s equally valid. Don’t be afraid to speak up and embrace your rage.