But now, after years of disagreements, sanctions and vague threats to start World War III, things have changed for these two powerful nations. A heartwarming love story has sprouted between the Russian president and the loudmouthed bigot who wants to be president of the USA.
“Oh Donald,” said Vlad last Thursday. “You are a bright and talented person without any doubt.”
“I know,” said Donald. “I’m very handsome.”
The two of them are now such buddies that Donald even defended Vlad from the accusation that he has ordered the death of journalists. Donald honestly can’t imagine why anyone would kill a journalist, as he would rather kill himself than be away from media attention for one moment.
When he has time, Donald plans to join Vlad in bombing Syria and also go riding bears while shirtless. It’s a good form of daily exercise for manly men like Vlad and Donald.
After becoming President, Donald has a lot of stuff on his plate. He does not have the time to hang out with Vlad and persecute minorities together. First, Donald has to build that wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Then he has to get rid of all the Muslims trying to get into America, but it turns out to be unexpectedly difficult to tell what someone’s religion is from their appearance, so to play it safe, Donald wages war on everyone with brown skin. Donald is so busy being an incompetent leader he fails to notice Vlad’s warmongering in various parts of the world.
Meanwhile in Russia, the state-controlled media continues pointing to the United States as the shining example of everything that is wrong with the world.
Eventually, Donald realises that Vlad never actually liked Donald; he just liked how Donald was a moron, sort of like how that popular girl in Mean Girls makes friends with the uncool protagonist in order to make herself look better. Upon realising this, Donald calls Vlad a “weasel-faced bitch” on Twitter. Vlad does not respond immediately, but he does post a passive aggressive subtweet several days later, saying, “President Trump promised that he would make America great again, so why is the unemployment rate at an all time high? #getrekt”
Donald is so furious that for the first time in his life he is speechless. He rushes to the oval office and issues an order to launch a nuclear strike against Russia. His advisers only manage to convince him out of it by pointing out that starting a nuclear war would affect the profits of his hotel chain.
Donald is crestfallen, realising for the first time that his actions have consequences. For a moment, he vaguely considers the idea of opening his heart to Vlad and forgiving him for their differences.
But then he remembers that this would make him look weak and not at all like a tough guy like Vlad. For some reason, Donald really wants to feel validated by Vlad. So Donald decides to win everyone’s approval in the only way that he can think of.
He opens his mouth and says:
“We’re going to build a wall, a great big wall between Russia and America. It’ll be a huge wall, the hugest wall you’ve ever seen – and Ukraine is going to pay for it.”