That’s how I want to begin this post, because whenever I think about my blog, I just want to apologise. I’m sorry for not updating, I’m sorry for not doing the 12 days of anime, I’m sorry for just reposting old articles instead of writing anything new.
The truth is, I’m pretty burnt out on writing. I think that’s the natural state you get to when you do it for a living. Unpaid writing just feels like kind of a chore now, even when it’s for my own blog.
I spent my New Year’s Day working around the clock. So right now I’m tired and sick of staring at a computer screen, and that’s more or less how I feel every night these days.
I can’t write on my blog the way I used to.
Despite that, I do want to keep this blog alive. In fact, I paid real money the other day to keep the frogkun.com domain.
Even if I can’t write regularly anymore, I do still want to have a space where I can talk about personal feelings or random observations that I can’t publish anywhere else. Even if I only end up posting once every three months or so, I do still want this space. I hope you can bear with me.
Let’s start with a subject that should be fresh in many people’s minds: the New Year.
I started 2017 feeling lost and afraid. I’d just been rejected from the JET program (without an interview, even) and was feeling like I’d never find a job out of university. If I never got my current job at Anime News Network, I’m not sure what I’d be doing at the moment. My guess is that I’d have gone back to university in an attempt to delay the inevitable realisation of my chronic uselessness.
I began 2018 the opposite way. I woke up with a distinct purpose in mind. Today I went to the local shrine and prayed that my new project will work out well. I can’t talk about it yet, but it’s very exciting. It means that I won’t have much free time until at least March, but I’m committed to seeing it through.
I’m still afraid. I’m afraid of undoing all the achievements I made last year. I’m afraid of things going wrong.
I literally threw five yen into the offering box and prayed: “I hope I don’t fuck things up.”
It is maybe not an optimistic way to start the new year, but I spent all of last year worrying about worst case scenarios and stressing myself half to death. Only a day has passed since 2017, and I haven’t changed one bit.
Somehow, I managed to successfully move out of my parents’ house, settle into a new country and start my first real job, and I did it while hating myself profoundly. (Read this twitter thread for more details.)
In the end, I think that what I did was pretty cool. I can give myself that much credit.
So I think that I will be okay in 2018. I’m a stronger person than I thought I was. I’ve come to the conclusion that being able to survive with stress and self-loathing is a huge, huge achievement and I’m in awe of everyone who does it.
I hope that everyone reading this post can pat themselves on the back too for something.
Happy New Year! Let’s keep up the good work!