Come on, who doesn’t want to marry their little sister?
Just joking… I think.
(Warning: This is a long post, which is mostly a narrative.)
I have been thinking a lot about incest these days – like where’s the fine line between fetishising and acceptance? Do people even want to see such a taboo subject played with utter seriousness? Is an incest comedy even possible to pull off without cheapening the issue? Stilts on Random Curiosity wrote an interesting post about the subject lately and brought up some interesting points.
Personally, I’m extremely ambivalent about the portrayal of incest in anime. Most of the time, it just isn’t well done – in LN adaptations, I mean. In fact, my deep frustration with light novels has led me to attempt writing one myself to see if I can do better.
I might have mentioned in an earlier post that I was attempting NaNoWriMo this year, and that the novel in question would be an imouto incest story (although different from what I outlined in that post). Ultimately, this NaNoWriMo novel of mine is the fruit of my musings.
So I’ve decided to post up what I wrote for today on my blog so you can observe and laugh at my feeble efforts at juxtaposing otaku humour with literary substance. As I discovered, it is not a freaking easy thing to do. That’s exactly what makes attempting it so fun, though.
. . .
(GEE I HOPE MY BROTHER NEVER READS THIS)
You know that awkward moment when you have a wet dream about your older brother?
… You don’t?
I woke up from my nightmare in a cold sweat.
For a moment, I scrambled in the darkness, feeling lost. I was breathing heavily and my throat was hoarse. My pillow was damp with drool.
I heard footsteps outside the door of my room.
“Hey, Miharu, are you okay?”
It was my brother.
I was groggy, not really understanding anything, but as soon as I heard his voice, something clicked in my brain. “Don’t come in!” I yelled at him.
“Huh? Why not?”
I didn’t want him to see my face.
“Did you have a nightmare?” he asked, sounding puzzled.
Honestly? It was the most frightening thing I had ever seen. I cannot unsee this horrible vision.
As it turns out, my brother is the kind of guy who looks great in a naked apron. Until that dream, I would never have considered the thought. But now I know. Now I know all too well.
It’s weird, because I wouldn’t go out of my way to call him good-looking, so the thought would have surprised me even if he wasn’t my brother. In fact, he’s just so plain and ordinary – average height, black hair, brown eyes.
I said to him, “Get lost.”
And he said, “Have you become a woman? Is this your time of the mo-?”
I opened the door and threw my alarm clock at his head.
I don’t like my older brother.
This has nothing to do with him as a person. I suppose he’s alright in that department. He’s never bullied me or pulled my hair or anything like that. Some of my friends at school have really crappy brothers and I have to admit I’m kind of grateful that mine’s relatively nice.
The problem is that I don’t like having fantasies about his crotch.
That’s what it comes down to, really.
No matter how you think about it, that kind of thing isn’t normal, is it? I’m like a mutant! Something’s gone wrong with my internal makeup!
It’s not like I’m even that close to my brother, you see. Even if he is nice, we don’t have a lot in common to talk about because he’s boring. I only ever really see him at breakfast and dinner. He’s a high school student so he hangs out with his friends a lot and I only just started junior high last month.
I don’t really know, but having fantasies about one’s brother might be normal for a girl just entering junior high. Maybe… maybe it’s a rite of passage for all little sisters!
At least, that’s what I tell myself, but when I looked it up on the Internet, it only happens in anime.
I’m pretty screwed.
And you know what – it got even worse after the day of my nightmare.
This one time, I walked into the bathroom and saw my brother only wearing a towel and wow I didn’t even know he had abs. He’s such a skinny guy.
“Pervert!” I fumed.
“W-What did I do?” he asked meekly.
“You suck because you exist,” I said.
“I’m sorry for existing,” he said, and he looked like he meant it.
Teehee, my brother is so cute.
I mean, UGH WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING?
“J-Just put on a shirt already,” I told him, looking away.
This isn’t something I can talk about to anyone. That’s why I’m writing it all down. I can’t look my brother in the face anymore and I’m scared.
I don’t know what it all means. But I know it’s not good.
I hope it’s a phase and I’ll get over it but right now the only person I can think about is my brother.
I wish I knew more about him. Maybe that way I can explain my inexplicable attraction to a dull blob of a person who is actually kind of good-looking when you squint.
Let’s see… what do I already know about him?
Well, I know that he spends most of his time with his best friend – Naoki was his name, I think? In my opinion, Naoki is a loser and a pervert. Not sure why my brother hangs around him. Still, Naoki probably knows my brother better than I do.
But it wasn’t like I could go up to some guy and ask him questions about my brother. That would be awkward.
So instead, I decided to follow my brother and his friend around for a day.
Again, I should stress I’m not doing this because I like my brother or anything. That’s stupid. I’m doing it because I… well… because.
Because I am researching for the sake of curing my disease!
I slipped on a pair of shades and tailed the two boys as they walked around on the main district. My brother had his hands in his pockets, nodding his head to what his friend was saying. I adjusted my shades and crept in closer, so that I could hear their conversation.
“… Man, I do not get the appeal of school swimswuits at all!”
“Huh? What’s wrong with them?”
“They’re so plain! Aren’t bikinis so much better because you can actually see some cleavage?”
Boys have such stupid conversations.
Maybe it’s a high school thing. Back when I was in elementary school, the boys didn’t talk such nonsense. They talked about games and sports, stuff I could understand because I could beat them at it. As a result, boys don’t like me. They say I’m bossy and that I’m a tomboy. That’s okay, because I don’t like them, either, only my big brother.
That’s enough of that, though.
“… By the way,” my brother’s friend was saying, “do you have any idea why your sister is following us?”
Holy crap, the guy is sharp!
I hid behind a trash can before my brother could look around and find me. “Huh, where?” asked my brother.
“Guess I imagined it,” said Naoki with a laugh.
Shrugging, the two boys kept on walking down the road and I breathed a sigh of relief. My heart was beating frantically. I never want my brother to find out about my disease that was so strong that it would make me follow him around for no reason at all.
After that, I just went home and dug up the family photo albums so I could look at pictures of my brother.
Even as I did that, I felt sick with myself.
The thing about having dirty thoughts is that it taints you. Even if no one can see anything different about you, the world changes forever, like it’s gone through a filter.
As I stared at the photos of us as children, I wondered if I would ever love my brother anymore the way I did back then. We were just normal siblings, so I couldn’t remember clearly how we acted – it wasn’t something you put a lot of thought into. Instead, I stared at my brother’s lips.
A sudden impulse came over me. I don’t know what I was thinking. But I brought the photo of him to my lips and I felt as if this was the closest we were ever going to get.
When finally, I looked up and opened my eyes, I was no longer alone.
My brother’s friend was standing at the doorway, his mouth agape.
I swore I could hear cicadas.
In the space of that awkward silence, which felt as if it lasted for centuries, his eyes twitched as they went from my face to the saliva-covered photo in my hand. Personally, I was seeing the world in a hot, red haze and for a moment, I was paralysed.
He opened his mouth.
“Nice weather, huh?”
I aimed straight for his jugular.
“UWAAAGGHHHH! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! I WON’T TELL A SOUL!”
“You shall be silenced,” I said, with killing intent.
“T-This could go on your juvenile record!”
“Are you threatening me?”
“I only want the best for your education, Miharu-chan!” Naoki babbled.
“Who are you, my father?!”
“Just a concerned citizen.”
He had a point. I couldn’t exactly kill him. But now I had no idea what to do because he knew my embarrassing secret.
“Please don’t look at me,” I said, burying my face in my hands.
“Awww, it’s okay,” he said soothingly. “Just put it all behind you.”
“I can’t do that! I mean, I – and my brother! You saw! I mean, blargh!”
“Blargh indeed,” he said dryly.
“Shut up, you mongoloid!”
“Hey, I thought you wanted comfort! Why are you telling me to shut up?”
“Because… shut up!”
“Oh, little sisters!” he exclaimed with a shrug, falling down on the couch. “Man, I wish I had a little sister.”
“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you, you perverted asshat!”
He snickered. “What a foul mouth you have for a twelve-year-old.”
I glared witheringly at him. “Yeah, so what?”
And then – unexpectedly – he smiled, and not in the teasing way.
He smiled with fondness.
“There now, you’re not so embarrassed anymore, right?”
He patted me on the head, so I kicked him in the nuts.
“P-Please tell my mother that I love her,” Naoki croaked.
Oh wow, he really did look like he was about to drop dead.
Suddenly, I felt bad for hitting him. He had gone about it in a completely stupid way, but he wasn’t cursing me, and I actually think he was trying to cheer me up. Uh oh.
I sat down next to him where he was writhing on the floor and I said in a low voice: “Sorry.”
“Don’t do that again,” he said weakly.
“Are you sure you won’t tell anyone?” I asked anxiously.
“Yep,” he said. He still looked white in the face from the pain I had subjected him to. “Let us never speak of this again.”
“Okay,” I said solemnly.
I stood up, went to the kitchen and got him a glass of water. He looked like he needed it, honestly. And to my surprise, after he had downed the drink, we really didn’t speak of what he had seen me doing.
And that was the end of that.
Actually, that wasn’t true at all. Far from it. Naoki didn’t say a word to anyone, but my secret was no longer my own, and knowing that meant it was no longer a secret.
I never saw my brother’s friend for a while after that and that made me feel relieved. Even if he was nice about it, I didn’t want to see anyone who reminded me of my own shameful pervertedness. Even if no one else knew, I knew.
So even though nothing changed in the surface and my relationship with my brother was the same as ever, I still felt sick in my stomach whenever I looked at him. He might not have changed but I had.
“Hey, Miharu,” my brother said to me one day at dinner, not long after that incident. “Is it just me or have you been acting strange lately?”
“W-W-What I have no idea what on earth you are talking hahaha you idiot loser pervert you,” I said coherently.
Crap, I was thinking. Has he found me out?
I glared at my brother through the corner of my eyes. But my brother was completely cheerful and oblivious. He was never the sharpest tool in the shed, for which I am grateful.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
Then my brother said, “I know what your problem is! I bet you have a crush on a boy at school!”
I snorted out the water I was drinking.
“What led you to such a dodgy conclusion?!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll support you,” my brother said happily.
“D-Don’t you care about what kind of boyfriend I get?” I asked shakily. “Doesn’t he need to go through you first or something?”
“Now why would he need to do that? It’s your choice, isn’t it?”
I couldn’t even begin to tell him what was wrong with his opinions.
This is the bad thing about having a nice, pushover brother. He’s not a siscon so he doesn’t care about protecting you. What a dweeb, letting his sister think for herself.
No, seriously, I can’t get over it. What do I even see in this waste-of-oxygen-soulless-shell-of-a-human-being? Now I understand what the romance novels say about love making no sense. I’m twelve, so while I’m allowed to think that’s romantic, I am now starting to realise that not making sense is a bloody stupid thing to do and not helpful at all to anyone involved.
Okay, I’m being unfair.
The truth is, I’m just frustrated with myself. It’s not him who’s the bad brother – I’m the bad sister.
I shouldn’t be having a crush on my own brother.
I looked down moodily at my dinner, no longer feeling hungry.
“Don’t talk to me,” I said. “I, big brother, I – the truth is…”
I couldn’t continue. Our father worked late, so we never saw him at dinnertime, so it was just me alone with my brother. But even so, I just couldn’t be open with him.
“Miharu…” My brother looked at me sympathetically.
I swallowed. I had to say it to him. I couldn’t live with myself anymore otherwise.
“Big brother, the way I feel about you… I have to be honest. I’m in lo-”
“If you weren’t hungry, you should’ve just said so,” my brother said as he helped himself to the meat on my plate.
I almost hit him, but restrained myself in time.
I knew I shouldn’t be taking out my anger by hurting other people. Not after last time.
But what could I do? The frustration boiled within me. I just wanted to talk to someone about… you know… my feelings and stuff. But there was no one. I couldn’t even talk to my own brother. There was only one person besides me who knew, who wouldn’t judge.
Knowing that, I was desperately lonely.
“I’m going out,” I declared, standing up.
“What? Right now?” said my brother, looking confused.
I didn’t answer him and simply walked out the door and into the moonlit suburban neighbourhood.
With no one around, I no longer felt lonely. But I knew this feeling could not last forever. I walked to the nearby park and got on the swing, pushing myself slowly. I felt cold and I stared at the moon, wondering what I would do now.
I wanted to hurt my brother. I really wanted to hurt him.
Maybe then he would care about me.
I wanted him to care.
I think I had been out for fifteen minutes when I noticed someone walking a dog down the sidewalk. I’d hoped it would be my brother, coming out to look for me.
But it was just Naoki.
“Yo, what are you doing here?” he asked, as he pulled on the leash. His dog, a Jack Russell, was trying to sniff my feet with keen curiosity.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him back without much enthusiasm.
“I bet your brother’s worried about you,” he said.
“Don’t talk to me about him,” I said, looking away. “He doesn’t even care about me and I don’t care about him.”
The dog had stopped trying to sniff me. Naoki let go of his leash and sat down on the swing next to me.
“… You really didn’t tell anyone about that, did you?” I asked, growing suspicious of his silence.
“Oh, what, nah,” he said. “I was just thinking.”
“About how you shouldn’t be out at this hour.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it.
I didn’t know what gave him any right to lecture me, but I didn’t want to argue with him.
It was cold, but inexplicably, I felt warmer than I did a minute before.
I felt protected.
“Okay,” I mumbled, standing up.
He walked me back to the front door of my house, even though it was only a five minute walk. I could only look down at my feet.
We didn’t exchange a word until we got to the entrance.
“Well, see you later, little sis,” he said and he started to walk away, raising one hand behind him in farewell.
“W-Wait!” I exclaimed, even though I had no idea what to say.
“Er…” I gulped a mouthful of the cool nighttime breeze. “Thanks… I guess.”
He stopped in his tracks.
“W-What?” I demanded.
Abruptly, he swung back around to face me with a boyish grin on his face. “There’s something about you that reminds me of my dog.”
“H-Hey! What’s that supposed to mean, you lump of crap?!”
“See! You’re even yapping like a dog! You’ll upset the neighbours!” He laughed. “Well, later!”
And then, before I could muster a retort, he really was gone.
In spite of that minor irritant, I felt a lot better. I was no longer mad at my brother or at anyone, really. But that sense of ease did not last long.
When I walked inside, my brother was waiting for me, his arms crossed while he sat on the sofa.
I sighed when I saw him because it was then that I understood what my encounter with Naoki really meant. He knew more about me and my brother than he let on. All of us did. But none of us could say anything about the elephant in the room.
“You sent your friend out to get me instead of coming after me yourself,” I said accusingly.
I didn’t know whether that meant my brother cared about me or… or if he just didn’t care enough. Even though I had gone back inside, the warmth fizzled out of me and I felt alone once again.
“What are you saying?” he said, smiling sheepishly. “I just don’t get you lately, Miharu.”
Well, you know what? I didn’t get him either.
We were siblings, but the atmosphere around us had become unbearable.
“Whatever, I’m going to bed,” I said sourly.
“…Okay,” he said heavily, not making a move.
We said nothing more to each other that night. We avoided eye contact, even.
And that was how our evening ended.
END CHAPTER ONE
I won’t be posting any more of the story on my blog since that would be way too much to read. You are free to bash my otaku-pandering incest light novel if you like or offer constructive criticism.
Alternatively, if you liked it, let me know and I’ll send you a copy when the month is over.
Whatever you think, I am actually determined to get this whole story done. Wish me luck. If I don’t update this blog at all this November… well, you know what I’m doing.