If I Were a Magical Boy…


If I were a Magical Boy ©, I would like to be a really kawaii dude, not like those lame dorks in Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE!.

As a wannabe Magical Boy ©, this Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE! show makes me really mad. I am offended by its existence. These characters have no personality traits worth mentioning, except for that annoying MC dude who is the squeakier-voiced version of Nagisa from Free!. These boys are not cute! Where is the homo?

At this rate, the Magical Boy © genre will go to shit. Making the characters point out genre cliches while still playing those cliches entirely straight is the laziest form of parody. This is the main reason why Milky Holmes is no longer funny but Aldnoah.Zero is a masterpiece.

In order to redeem itself, the Magical Boy © genre needs to invent DECONSTRUCTION, which is what Madoka did four years ago when it invented anime.

The original Mahou Shonen
The original Mahou Shonen






















As we all learned from the philosopher Jacques Derrida, who invented TV Tropes, a DECONSTRUCTION means showing the audience how an anime trope would work in real life. That brings me back to the title of this post: what would I do if I were a Magical Boy ©?

No matter how I think about it, I would be a much superior Magical Boy © to any of the characters in Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE!, whose names I have already forgotten.

If I were a Magical Boy ©, I would like to use my powers for good, or at least so that more people could see my well-crafted abs. You know what the Magical Boy © genre could do to become more fresh and interesting? Take a leaf out of Kancolle’s book. Show people’s clothes rip whenever they take damage. Please don’t be offended. My pecs are amazing.

If I were a Magical Boy ©, my eyes would be big and my heart would be pure, and I would harbour an innocent love for my cool, dark-haired senpai. One day, I hope senpai will notice me. DOKI DOKI.

I would like to wear a short skirt with pink frills because I believe beauty and aesthetics are very important things for a Magical Boy ©. I believe this is an occupation in life that must be taken seriously and pursued with passion. I see no reason why Magical Boys © should sit in a bath, cracking lame jokes centered around obscure cultural trivia.

Binan Koukou - 02 -31[2]

Justice is important among Magical Boys ©. If I were a Magical Boy ©, even a satirical one, I would like my criticisms of genre and society to have a point. With the aid of my LOVE STICK, I would like to lead the way for humanity to improve and to further the expansion of the human race. LOVE IS NEVER OVER.

And finally, most importantly, I believe that I am more than capable of being yaoi shipped. I have been shipped with bloggers like Draggle and Bobduh, to name just a few. It is widely established that I am a weepy uke. And I am damned proud of it.

If I were a Magical Boy ©, the world would be a better place, or at at least a watchable anime.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE! sucks. It is interesting on paper but utterly banal in execution. Only the pink wombat is good.

Magical Boys © deserve better than this.



  1. If I were a Magical Boy (of which I claim no ownership, the term Magical Boy is protected under fair use blah blah act, all rights to the term magical boy are copyrighted to Frog-kun at fantasticmemes dot wordpress dot com) I would be the one who isn’t allowed on the Magical Boys team. I would be the haughty ojou-sama who goes around saying ‘dohohoho’ but completely fails at ever accomplishing anything and is actually also poor. Probably something akin to Sunohara with magical powers.

    I basically agree with your thoughts, magical boys is dull as hell, Aldnoah is already anime of the year.

  2. Madoka can’t have invented deconstruction and anime, cuz Evangelion did it in the 90s. Check your sources dood.

    Creators in this genre would do well to lay off the copypaste parodying and look back upon Cardcaptor Sakura, which besides inventing moe, is known for featuring magical girl and magical boy fighting side by side and challenging toxic masculinity the right way.

    I leave further discussion on this topic in the hands of experts.

  3. Hmm… One think I wonder about these Magic-genre anime: Why it always take the protagonist in the active side of practice magic? It’s a bit different from the old lore and fairytales of various country, which usually put magic leaning toward evil, and the main characters is put in a passive role, has to deal with the trouble from magical users.
    I want to see something that shows the uselessness of us before the unknown.

  4. IMO, Tsunashi Takuto (from Star Driver) wore the Magical Boy look the best. The whole ensemble’s fabulous and flashy whilst retaining an fairly masculine look.

    That said, clearly the evil seniors opposing the Cute Defense Club have a much better sense of fashion than the Club itself. If I had to join based on uniform alone, I’d sign up with the seniors. :P

    • Damn, that’s some fabulous stuff. I should watch Star Driver. How could I not watch a show where the MC calls himself a Galactic Pretty Boy?

      Also, I can’t remember much about those evil seniors but I did like the pink-haired dude.

      • I’d strongly suggest watching the main TV series first. There’s a movie, but it’s a compiled summary of the TV series. The movie’s still good for extra scenes, improved animation, and a (in medias res) more conclusive ending for the MCs.

  5. I read most of this article wondering if this is meant to be sardonic and I’m still not sure =P

    I mean come on, you’re the one who wrote about equality across the gender fence. What’s wrong with some typical slapstick for the girls when the guys gets dozens of cheap romcoms per season? At least it exists now. Maybe a few shows later they’ll learn to actually put something innovative in it.

    I totally agree with ‘battle damage’ clothes xD (fanservice for some, hilarity for others, lol!)

    • Gender equality is one thing, shows being actually good is another. I don’t hate CBEDCLWOMBAT as much as Frog-kun seems to, but I certainly didn’t care for its first episode. Its whole shtick is “oh, look, it’s that silly thing we usually do with girls, except this time it’s WITH BOYS!”. Which runs dry pretty soon and you could actually see it as mildly sexist if you look really hard (in the sense that it considers it inherently funny to subvert a gender role instead of acting naturally with it).
      By comparison, “Girls und Panzer” used a similar approach but worked because 1) it was so serious and completely oblivious of the inherent funniness of its premise and 2) it also had FREAKING GOOD tank battles and Russian lolis singing “Katyusha”. In other words, it had content, not just a single gimmick drawn for 13 episodes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s